*Your Questions -- My Answers*

Question #13:

How can I get my 23-year-old son to focus on positivity In his life?

Answer:

As much as it is painful to see our children suffer, unhappy or joyless, aching, etc, we cannot prevent it. It is part of being alive. We go through ups and downs and challenges that force us to cope and eventually overcome. This is the only way to discover our strengths and talents and develop confidence and a strong positive sense of self.

A positive outlook is largely the result of such experiences. If, throughout their lives, children do not experience going through a challenge successfully by themselves, they will not develop the emotional and mental ‘muscle’ (i.e. resilience), that is also responsible for their inner positive sense of capability. When these children are eventually expected to take on life by themselves, they lack this ‘muscle’. No wonder there’s no desire to tackle life head-on. No wonder the focus is on the negative if negative experiences are the sum of their experiences. It is discouraging to not be able to do what seems to be so easy for others.

A negative outlook is in part a defense mechanism to protect one from disappointment; When it’s all negative why bother? And if one does not bother, there’s no failure. Hence, no disappointment.

Unconditional love is a crucial building block in children’s self-worth and positive outlook. It is a shame that our generation as parents misunderstood the concept of unconditional love as a license to spoil our children rotten: give them everything, do everything for them, and overprotect them from life’s difficulties; Not to mention live vicariously through them.

My advice for you is to love him unconditionally. This means that no matter what he does, your love is guaranteed. You love who he is, not what he does. Our approval is love for our children, no matter how old they are. I hope that armed with your love of approval and acceptance your son will find the courage within to slowly change his outlook.

* Please know that you are unique, your family is unique, and the relationships in your life are unique. The answer above is general and does not pertain to any specific family. Please take from it only what speaks and feels right to you.

Feel free to continue the discussion with other questions or a response.

All the best, always,

Smadar Prager, CGP © 27January2025

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Tisha'a Be'Av - On that I'm crying

I'm posting this profound poem by Merav Sabag every year on Tisha'a Be'Av because it breaks my heart like nothing else can. 

Because reading it I can feel the grief of HaShem. 

The poem talks about the horror of how a woman gets used to her loneliness existence. 

Megilat Eycha starts with the question "How is it that she sits alone?" 

Referring to the Shchina, the divine presence of HaShem that is so alone without Beit HaMikdash. 

But Merav Sabag exclaims that the anguish is not about being lonely,

or about her lost beauty. 

The destruction is about the act of sitting alone. 

About not wallowing, 

About not fighting, 

About not objecting, 

And not shouting. 

About mere sitting. 

Alone. 

The breakage is about the "sitting". 

About the way she brought a comfortable chair

and with acceptance 

hugged the silence. 

This is what it means: הָיְתָה כְּאַלְמָנָה

"She has become like a widow."

She is not really alone,

She is lonely. 

Forgotten. 

Not seen. 

Disregarded. 

And in her deep pain, she stopped fighting. 

Defeated, she is mourning in silence,

Accepting her dire lonesome isolation,

Beyond the hurt,

Getting comfortable in it, 

And quietly submitting to her impossible reality. 

And on that we are crying. 

On how we got used to feel alone,

live with the void,

with the missing,

with not being whole,

with... without. 

See you in the 3rd Beit Mikdash 

Smadar Prager 🙋🏻‍♀️

 #TishaBeAv #loneliness #mourning #BeitMikdash

 בס"ד

What does the number 3333 means to you?

In the year 2448 to creation HaShem took us out of Egypt and gave us the Torah. 

We are now in the year 5781 to creation, this is exactly 3333 years since we had Egypt exodus and Matan Torah. 

Gematria 3 = the Hebrew letter Gimel: ג.

Hence -> גגגג

Rings a bell?

Gog Umagog - גּוֹג ומגּוֹג!

We are exiting now a גּוֹג ומגּוֹג year. The entire humanity, the entire world was dealing with exactly the same invisible enemy: מגיפה, Pandemic, Covid-19, Corona, Crown 👑.

The king of all kings signaling us. 

Everywhere we look there are signs, clues, that we are now in a wonderous times, miracles, Nisei Nisim in Nisan. 

HaRabanit Yemima Mizrachi say that in her opinion Mashiach is comin now. 

As it is written (שבת קיח, ב): 

"אם ישמרו ישראל שתי שבתות, מייד נגאלים." 

The Talmud reports (Shabbat 118:2): "If all Jews were to observe just two Shabbats properly, the final redemption would occur."

This year we have Shabbat this coming Shabbat, "Shabbat HaGadol", and immediately after that Shabbat, on Motzaei Shabbat, we have Leil HaSeder. The first day of Pesach is called Shabbat. 

About Sefirat HaOmer is is said (ויקרא כג, טו): 

"וּסְפַרְתֶּם לָכֶם מִמָּחֳרַת הַשַּׁבָּת" 

"And from the day the day after the sabbath—you shall count" (Leviticus 23:15).

Hence: Two Shabbats.

Mashiach is standing right at the entrance. 

Chag Pesach Sameach ve Kasher, Smadar 🙋🏻‍♀‍

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> May be forwarded without changed for the merit of Am Israel.

מה אומר לך המספר 3333?

בשנת -2248 לבריאת העולם יצאנו ממצרים וקיבלנו את התורה. 

אנחנו עכשיו בשנת 5781 לבריאות העולם - זה בדיוק 3333 מזמן יציאת מצרים וקבלת התורה.

3 בגימטריה = ג

מכאן-> גגגג

מזכיר משהו?

גּוֹג ומגּוֹג!

עברה עלינו שנה של גוג ומגוג. 

האנושות כולה, כל העולם כולו התמודד בדיוק עם אותו אויב בלתי נראה: 

מגיפה, Pandemic, Covid-19.  Corona, Crown.

כתר 👑.

מלך מלכי המלכים בעצמו מאותת לנו. 

מכל כיוון יש סימנים, רמזים, שאנחנו בזמן מופלא. 

ניסי ניסים בניסן.

הרבנית ימימה מזרחי אומרת שלדעתה המשיח מגיע. כי כתוב "אם ישמרו ישראל שתי שבתות, מייד נגאלים." (שבת קיח, ב). השנה יש לנו בשבת הקרובה שבת, "שבת הגדול", ומיד אחריה, במוצאי "שבת הגדול", ליל הסדר. היום הראשון של פסח נקרא שבת. בספירת העומר כתוב "וּסְפַרְתֶּם לָכֶם מִמָּחֳרַת הַשַּׁבָּת" (ויקרא כג, טו). קיבלנו: שתי שבתות. 

אין. אין. משיח ממש בפתח.

חג פסח שמח וכשר, ושבת שלום ומבורך, סמדר 🙋🏻‍♀‍

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Ner Echad: Give * Light * Unite - Join the Movement!

בס"ד

Give • Light • Unite

Dear women, I want to tell you about a wonderful initiative that was established in memory of Rebbetzin Bat-Sheva Kanievsky a’h.

They call it: NER ECHAD (one candle).

Every Friday night, when I light Shabbat candles, I pray for someone I do not know, who also prays for me when she lights Shabbat candles.

In this way, Jewish women from all over the world light thousands of Shabbat candles and unite in This way to: One candle! – Ner Echad!

In order to join this unity, you sign up.

Each week you donate $ 1, all of which its 100% dedicated to the fund established for Orphans and Widows.

Thus, not only do you help and do Chesed, but also if you happen to forget to put charity before candle lighting .. So you did not forget because you already gave.

So here is the registration page: https://www.nerechad.org/join.php

Here's a video that explains better than I do:

Https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42OOBZp0zw4

It is written: "Thanks to righteous women we were redeemed from Egypt, and thanks to righteous women we will be redeemed."

In other words, thanks to the sacrifices made by our Mothers and the women of Israel in the past, we were privileged to leave Egypt, and thanks to the sacrifices of the women of the last generations, BH we will have Geula now and immediately.

Penny and another penny eventually accumulates to hundreds: each one that lends a hand, and contributes to the joint effort tilts the scales in favor.

Every action is important, even if it seems to you not significant - it is!

Join and invite your sisters, friends, neighbors - let's make a big noise in heaven and bring the Messiah soon in our days. Amen.

We are blessing this Shabbat the month of Elul, the month of repentance (Teshuva).

🤗😘🕯🕯🍷

Shabbat Shalom u Mevorach.

Love, Smadar

💐

The Cauliflower's Wisdom - Some Thoughts from the Kitchen:

I do not know about you, but I just love Hashgacha Pratit stories. Since this dam opened for me, I see them all around me, and they still excite me so.  

So here is a fresh one:

Yesterday, a lovely cauliflower captured my eye while shopping for Shabbat.
I thought I’ll make a whole baked cauliflower in the oven for Shabbat Kiddush Dinner.

Today, while taking the cauliflower out of the fridge, I reconsidered, “maybe I’ll make something healthier?” I thought to myself, and decided to go with my roasted cauliflower salad.

While breaking the cauliflower to small flowers and rinsing them in the kitchen sink, my eye caught a little black ‘something’ washing onto the white sink’s surface. I immediately shut off the water and dabbed a paper towel on it to lift it off carefully and see what it is.

The evidence is in the picture: 

My cauliflower flowers were cradling a bug, or maybe a bug was nestling between the cauliflower flowers. In any case, I found a bug in my cauliflower. 
A bug I probably would not have found had I not break the cauliflower apart, which wouldn’t happen if I went ahead with my original plan to bake the cauliflower whole.

Thank HaShem for small miracles.

I’m floored by HaShem’s watching each and every aspect of our lives. I am so moved by HaShem’s Hashgacha Pratit. It’s these little things that amaze me anew – and I am so grateful I get to feel this in full.

Maybe when you grow up frum you get used to this, like the Desert Generation got used to the Manna falling down from the Heavens each and every morning. You get used to it, it does not seem to be out of the ordinary when this is your ordinary.

How many of us stop to watch the sun rises in the morning in awe; Amazed by the miracle and its beauty.  It’s like Hashem picks up His painter’s brush and generously waves it across the sky, creating a unique and different colored symphony each dawn, purples and blues, peaches and pinks, oranges and everything in between. Sometimes he mixes it with clouds, sometimes he leaves the canvas as is, and it’s so pretty -- it can make you cry.

As a teenager, every day during the morning-milking of the cows I used to watch it in the Kibbutz. We would start in complete darkness, and then it happened, every morning. You would pick up your head and there It was: a breathtaking sunrise. HaShem Himself reveals Himself, I thought back then, and I am still thinking today.

As you can see, even a cauliflower can bring us to tears.
Tears of overflowing feelings of gratitude and happiness to be in HaShem’s world and being fortunate enough to witness His watchful loving eye on us.

Here’s the recipe for THE ROASTED WISE CAULIFLOWER SALAD

Roasted Cauliflower Salad with Garlic, Silan, Pine Nuts and Raisins

1 Cauliflower – separate to flower and wash thoroughly, you might find a bug as well… 😊

3-4 Tbsps. Olive Oil

Salt & Pepper to taste 

Mix all and spread on a baking paper covered flat pan

Insert to a preheated oven to 500°F for about 20 mins.

Mix occasionally.

When the cauliflower is Al Dente and browned on the edges – it’s ready.

While all of this is roasted in the oven, put a flat skillet on the cooktop and add:

1-2 Tbsps. Olive Oil

3-4 very thinly slices Garlic Cloves and

A handful of Pine Nuts

Mix lightly for a minute or two, and add:

A handful of Raisins and

1-2 Tbsps. Silan (Date’s Honey)

Immediately add:

A handful of chopped flat leaf Parsley as well

Take off the cooktop and add:

1 Tsp. Red Wine Vinegar

Mix all together.

Can be served hot, cold, or at room temperature.

Bon Appetite 🍽 Shabbat Shalom 

[© Smadar Prager, CGP]

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www.smadarprager.com

Smadar Prager, CGP is an Israeli Certified Group Psychotherapist since 1998 with a home based private practice located in South Valley Stream (Five Towns area, Long Island). She focuses on relationships with self, in the Family, Parenthood, Couplehood, and Eating Disorders.
To schedule an appointment please contact at smadarprager@gmail.com or 917-513-1490.

What I learned from Rebbitzen Jungries A'H

I had a very great Zechut (privilege) to know Rebbetzin Jungries personally. Not for very long, and not so close, but enough to feel like I lost my grandmother. 

I met her by chance. I know there're no coincidences, and all is orchestrated from above, but at the time it happened it felt totally random.

In the beginning of 2015, while sweating in physical therapy after a knee surgery, the back door opened, and there came into the room the Rebbetzin herself. I didn't notice at first how fragile she was, or how tiny and thin. All I saw was a very pretty woman with a huge smile on her face, and sparkling stars in her eyes. 

I was immediately drawn to her. I recognized her from the picture on the back cover her book "Life is A Test" I recently finished reading. 

"We cannot disclose other patient's names" was the reply I got when I asked if she is who I think she is.

I gathered my courage and went to play with the weights next to where she was slowly paddling on the stationary bike, smiling.

"Shalom", I started in Hebrew, and her eyes lit even more. 

"Come, come" she signaled with her hand patting the bicycle's handlebar "stand next to me".

And this is how we started talking. She had lots of stories; looking back I deeply regret I did not memorialized immediately, because now I cannot remember all of them. What a miss. 

"How shall I call you?" I asked, and she smiled even more and said: "Rebbetzin! Call me Rebbetzin! I am The Rebbetzin."

"Rebbetzin, you know" I kinda complained after a few minutes of conversation "I have to tell you, I cried while reading your book. You really made me cry."

"Well of course" she giggled and then became serious for a second "I cried when I wrote it" and smiled again. 

And that was it. I was in love. Just like that. 

The next week I noticed that the PT receptionist brings over to the Rebbetzin goods from the supermarket: a Challah bread in a plastic packing material, a few fruits or vegetables and maybe a couple of other knickknacks. The Challah bread shocked me. "How can it be that this holly lady eats a store bought Challah?" I was so sad about this. 

The next time I came to the PT I brought with me a home baked Challah and asked her if she would honor me and receive the Challah from me. "Of course" she said "thanks you so much, you are so sweet."

The week after that we met at the PT again. As soon as she waltzed into the room she called me "Smadar, your Challah was so good. It's been years since I ate a Water Challah, and yours was really really good."

I was on cloud nine. 

The next week I did not see her in PT. I asked about her, but of course no one would give me privileged information. Since she previously gave me her email - not just gave me her email, hovered over me and pointed with her finger to the letters I was typing to make sure I enter it correctly so there's: "no chance you might not be able to get in touch with me if you need me" - I emailed her to ask her if it'll be okay with her if I bring her my home backed Challah every week, and where to.

She emailed me back: 

Dear Smadar,

Thank you so much. I enjoyed your challah  immensely . Please G-D I will be back at physical  therapy soon. In the interim, if you could write a note with the challah this is for the Rebbetzin and no one else
and email me when you drop it off, someone will pick it up for me.

Shabbat Shalom and Chang Sameach
Much love and many Brachot, 

Rebbetzin 

This was last October during the Holidays, just after Rosh HaShana. 

Her son, HaRav Israel Jungries, while giving his Hesped (eulogy) cried yesterday and said: "She wanted so much to hold and stay for this coming Rosh HaShana..." But she couldn't. HaShem had other plans. It seems like He is taking all the Tzadikim before He's bringing Mashiach. 

And so it was. I made Hafrashat Challah every week, blessed on it for the Refua Shlema of my dearest Rebbetzin, and brought it over to the PT with a not: "This is for the Rebbetzin and no one else! Refua Shlema, much love and Shabbat Shalom, Smadar & family".

Yesterday, sitting in Agudaht Israel Shul in Far Rockaway, listening to the eulogies, I realized how little I knew the Rebbetzin. 

I heard Rabbi Reisman, other great Rabbanim and her children and grandchildren, talking about her, saying their farewells with cracking voices, and bursts of sobbing. 

They talked about her relentless fight with the American Holocaust, the assimilation; Fight that was always done with love.

She was propelled by pure love:

love for the every Jew, 

love for the Torah, 

love for her tradition, our people's tradition,

and love and utmost respect and inspiration drawn from her ancestors & the family Yichus (pedigree). 

They talked about Her Kedusha (purity) that emerged from her deepest and sincere caring about others. 

And they talked about her humbleness and humility that had no boundaries, but moved mountains and people.  

She had so much love to each and every one. 

And then it hit me. 

I suddenly understood. 

She did it for me. 

She didn't really need my Challah. 

She realized how happy she made me by accepting my Challah, and because she has so much love and caring for everyone, she just wanted to love me too. She wanted to make me happy. She did it for me. 

HaRav Desler zt'l said that love is the outcome of giving. I felt it with all its might as my soul became tied with bounds of love to the Rebbetzin. 

So what did I learn from this tiny giant? 

I learned that love is also to know how to receive. Even if you do not need anything, or this specific thing. 

Love is to know how to make the other person feel important and needed. 

Love is to be very humble and to know to accept from anyone. 

Love is to stay simple and accessible no matter how great you are.

Love is to greet everyone with a genuine warm smile even when you suffer pain.

The Rebbetzin taught me that Receiving is the outcome of Love.

I want to engrave this lesson on my heart, and by that to continue her legacy and keep spreading the light she shined on me. I am a very giving person, and I know this is not going to be easy for me. I hope I have the Rebbitzen blessing from above, and I hope that with it I'll be able to pass this Life's Test.

I miss her presence. Nafshi Keshura BeNafsha.

May she rest in peace, and may her Zechuyot protect us. 

Baruch Dayan HaEmet.

Tehe Nishmata Eden Tzerura BiTzror HaChaim. 

[© Smadar Prager, CGP]

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www.smadarprager.com

Smadar Prager, CGP is an Israeli Certified Group Psychotherapist since 1998 with a home based private practice located in South Valley Stream (Five Towns area, Long Island). She focuses on relationships with self, in the Family, Parenthood, Couplehood, and Eating Disorders.
To schedule an appointment please contact at smadarprager@gmail.com or 917-513-1490.

What I learned in 30 years of marriage

Last week, 7.7, we recelebrated 30 years of marriage.

This is some of the things I learned over the years:

1. That HaShem loves me very much – He sent him to me.
2. That being stubborn is an advantage – holding and not letting go, insisting on the togetherness even when is though.
3. That to be lenient is required – it’s just not worth it to spoil the ‘us’ on account the personal.
4. That there is no point in trying to change the other – hardly ourselves is difficult.
5. That children are the bridge to ourselves – together and separately.
6. That it’s not just more important to give then to receive, it’s preferable.
7. That at the end of every giving there’s receiving.
8. That inner bliss does not depend on an outside approval.
9. That happiness is contagions.
10. That the house needs to be taken care of just like we take care of us and the kids.
11. That accepting the other as is – begins with accepting ourselves as is.
12. That there is nothing like waking up the house with the smell of frying egg and fresh salad.
13. That only when it’s good in the company of myself – it’s good in the company of others.
14. That your spouse cannot replace a best friend – but he is the best friend in the whole wide world.
15. That devotion is very moving.
16. That doing something only because the other wants to – is love.
17. That good couplehood is not how he fulfills my needs 0 but how can I fulfill his needs.
18. That loving him is a privilege.
19. That we are not identical – but we are so much alike.
20. That we are not the same – but this is what makes it all so worth it.
21. That I love him more every day.
22. That I still envy him – even though it happened over 31 years ago.
23. That when it’s hard on the outside – getting closer makes it all much more easy.
24. That what we have now – it the best thing to have.
25. That it’s better not to take it personally – even though it’s impossible to tale it publicly.
26. That it’s possible to say whatever you want to – but it’s really the tone that makes the music.
27. That there is no one that knows me so well – truly.
28. That it is a miracle every day.
29. That there is nothing like the moment he enters home at the end of every day.
30. And that being wrapped up in his hug – is the most at home that there is.

Love. Always. Forever.

[© Smadar Prager, CGP]

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www.smadarprager.com

Smadar Prager, CGP is an Israeli Certified Group Psychotherapist since 1998 with a home based private practice located in South Valley Stream (Five Towns area, Long Island). She focuses on relationships in the Family, Parenthood, Couplehood, and with self.
To schedule an appointment please contact at smadarprager@gmail.com or 917-513-1490.