*Your Questions -- My Answers*

Question #13:

How can I get my 23-year-old son to focus on positivity In his life?

Answer:

As much as it is painful to see our children suffer, unhappy or joyless, aching, etc, we cannot prevent it. It is part of being alive. We go through ups and downs and challenges that force us to cope and eventually overcome. This is the only way to discover our strengths and talents and develop confidence and a strong positive sense of self.

A positive outlook is largely the result of such experiences. If, throughout their lives, children do not experience going through a challenge successfully by themselves, they will not develop the emotional and mental ‘muscle’ (i.e. resilience), that is also responsible for their inner positive sense of capability. When these children are eventually expected to take on life by themselves, they lack this ‘muscle’. No wonder there’s no desire to tackle life head-on. No wonder the focus is on the negative if negative experiences are the sum of their experiences. It is discouraging to not be able to do what seems to be so easy for others.

A negative outlook is in part a defense mechanism to protect one from disappointment; When it’s all negative why bother? And if one does not bother, there’s no failure. Hence, no disappointment.

Unconditional love is a crucial building block in children’s self-worth and positive outlook. It is a shame that our generation as parents misunderstood the concept of unconditional love as a license to spoil our children rotten: give them everything, do everything for them, and overprotect them from life’s difficulties; Not to mention live vicariously through them.

My advice for you is to love him unconditionally. This means that no matter what he does, your love is guaranteed. You love who he is, not what he does. Our approval is love for our children, no matter how old they are. I hope that armed with your love of approval and acceptance your son will find the courage within to slowly change his outlook.

* Please know that you are unique, your family is unique, and the relationships in your life are unique. The answer above is general and does not pertain to any specific family. Please take from it only what speaks and feels right to you.

Feel free to continue the discussion with other questions or a response.

All the best, always,

Smadar Prager, CGP © 27January2025

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Build yourself into it!

While watching ‘Rehab Addict’ on HGTV, Mr. Chester Bushman, Nicole Curtis’s 90 year old grandfather, said this heartfelt sentence, "When you are building a home, you are building yourself into it, just like marriage!"

I watched and thought to myself that there is no substitute to old age wisdom; that we have so much to learn from our elders and that there's so much unparalleled value of strength and support in keeping, maintaining, and investing in our family ties.

A client of mine told me yesterday that she is exhausted from the holiday. It was the first time they celebrated at their own home, and she said she doesn't understand to what end is all of this hard work that left her wiped and empty and in desperate need of a vacation.

I sympathize with her; After all, preparing Pesach (Passover) is quite a project and an enormous undertaking if you are also hosting at your house.

She was my first client after a two weeks Pesach vacation. While I was still wearing my housewife hat, it took me a split second while I was puzzled to understand how come it is not obvious to her, as it is to me, that the reward is as huge as the exhaustion.

Meaning, you cannot create meaningful, unforgettable bonding experiences and memories with your family and friends, without investing in creating the set for it.

Whether it's by planning an eventful vacation, or by paying a small fortune for an all included eventful vacation in a resort, some kind of an investment is definitely required and the more you invest the greater the return.

The split second dissipated in the blink of an eye. I was back with my therapist's hat on, and with the understanding that this is a case of distorted subjective interpretation of reality.

Meaning, it's a choice to feel that way. You can choose to feel differently. 

How? 

This is the million dollar question and the answer is?  [drum roll please] 

By changing the way you think.

Our thought creates our feelings, and our feelings create our actions. 

It's usually an automatic unconscious or unaware process which I fondly call RIFA:
Reality --> Interpretation --> Feeling --> Action.

If my client interprets her reality of preparing the holiday as slaving in the kitchen to no avail, there’s no wonder she is feeling used, abused, drained and very bitter. It also means that in an even deeper level she separated herself from the activity. As if it's a repulsive chore some outside force is compelling her to do for lack of any other option. 

As if she did not choose this. As if she was coerced. 

We talked a bit about these ideas and insights. We tried to understand together what was the ground on which the seeds of "Hi, I am all alone here in this business" came from, and what sprouted them and/or fertilized them. And then, we tried to think together about a different way of looking at all of this. 

The reality may have not changed at all. Same incidents, same conflicts, same work load, the same self centered teenagers, etc. . ., but the new angle in which she chose to look at it changed, and as a result, so did her feelings. 

The new angle she chose was, “It's not against me, nobody is doing anything just to spite me, and I am choosing to do this because I want to invest in my family; because I love them, because I want to give from myself so we can bond together. 

And then I told her about Mr. Bushman.

And then we wrote this down:

When you build something, you HAVE to build yourself into it!

This is the only way you'll enjoy it, benefit from it and grow from it.

This is probably the only way to really live life to its fullest. . . and smile about it.

[© Smadar Prager, CGP]

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www.smadarprager.com

Smadar Prager, CGP is an Israeli Certified Group Psychotherapist since 1998 with a home based private practice located in South Valley Stream (Five Towns area, Long Island). She focuses on relationships in the Family, Parenthood, Couplehood, and with self.
To schedule an appointment please contact at smadarprager@gmail.com or 917-513-1490.

Three ways

There are three ways to respond when another lashes out at you, yelling and complaining.

The first one is to stay quit and indifferent, and allow the other to explode with anger.

The second one is to lash out right back at him/her.

The third one is to calmly and pleasantly respond to the ‘what’ and not to the ‘how’. Meaning to the issue and not the way the issue is being presented (with yelling etc,).

The first way makes the other person really miserable.

The second way discourages the other person.


And the third way is the middle way, the golden way: it allows the other person to repair, and it brings peace and love to the both of you.  


[© Smadar Prager, CGP]

Don't go to slepp angry!

In the house where I grow up, I didn’t get the chance to learn couplehood[1] first hand.

Being in awe from the fact that there are couples that not only live together after the age of 50, but actually really like each other, I asked my future mother in law an advice before our wedding, “How do you do that? How do you get to this fantastic achievement?”

Her answer was short and decisive, “Never go to sleep if you are angry at each other.”

I embraced her advice and placed it very near to my heart, and I never forgot, and I never let it go.

As the years went by I learned both in my private and professional life, that there is no such thing as quarrel-free, angerless couplehood.

I learned that good couplehood doesn’t become good (just like that) and fall from the sky (even thought HE definitely has a part in it).

I learned that good couplehood is a result of real persistence to find a way,

in spite of, and regardless of it all.

Of daily hard work,

sometimes tough, sometimes frustrating, sometimes painful, sometimes sad, sometimes lonely,

but it is always a result of work.

Work is not only about things that you do, it is also about things that you do NOT do.

So today we are learning what not to do: Do not go to sleep angry at each other!

Stay up until you resolve whatever needs to be resolved,

even if it means to stay up all night and not going to sleep at all.

Cry together, laugh together, talk, listen, and compromise, let go, stand your ground,

but mainly remember, that at the basis of it all, there is a big enormous and impossible love that brought you together to begin with, and to this place where you are now,

and with this love help, you can move mountains --

even yourself.

[© Smadar Prager, CGP]

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[1]  Couplehood (n) - The state of being a romantic couple. (yourdictionary.com)

The sun and the wind

I love stories that help us understand ourselves better, and create a different way of thinking to initiate change within ourselves or with others.

Here’s another lovely one:

A man is walking down the street wearing a hat and a jacket.

The sun and the wind got into an argument: which one of them would be able to take his hat and jacket off of him? The wind thought that she would be able to do that without a shadow of a doubt, whilst the sun were sure she will be the one to succeed.

After debating back and forth they decided that the wind will be the first to try.

So the wind started to whistle loudly and to blow fiercely but the man held tight to his hat and jacket. The wind continued to storm and the man just help even more tightly to his hat in one hand and to his jacket with the other.

After a few unsuccessful trials by the wind, it’s the sun’s turn.

She gently and softly sent her warm rays toward the man. Slowly but surely, the man started to feel warmer, than hotter, and then he started to sweat. He took his hat off, and after a while his jacket as well.

There’s a lot to be said about the power of thinking outside the box when it comes to creating a change.

When we want to achieve something we all have a tendency to do more of the same thing. There’s no wonder about why we do that, it’s very clear. After all we have been practicing exactly that since we were born, and it worked wonderfully until now. When we learned to walk, we stood and fell many times, but we always got up and tried again and again until we managed to step. And after we managed to step a few steps we fell down. But that did not discourage us. No no. We got up and tried again until we could not only walk but run freely.

This process repeated itself in each and every area of our life: learning to ride a bike, learning to talk, read, write, mastering math etc. Each time we wanted to improve on any skill, we stuck to it, and did more of the same thing until we mastered it (or at least could do it well enough…).

So when the time comes for trying to change our situation, or trying to defuse a conflict with another, we act in same manner.

And the same manner usually means to push even harder, blow even stronger -- act like the wind.

If for instance we are upset with our spouse for not bring us flowers for Shabbat, we most probably continue to sour-face him in hopes of him coming to the realization that he did something wrong and work hard and diligently to fix it. Something he most probably used to do in the first years of the relationship... Well, it worked then, there’s no reason why it won’t work now as well, right?

Wrong!

But like the wind we will try even harder more of the same thing.  

We’ll frown more, we’ll be less nice, we’ll get very upset with him.

And like the man in the story, so will our spouse, only tighten his position. He won’t understand what’s going on, but he won’t make any effort to change it, because he is also upset and is waiting for you to do the same you are expecting him to do.

We have to act like the sun. Try with love, not with harshness.

We have to think outside the box.

We have to do something totally different from what we are used to do.

Not more of the same thing, but a different thing.

Totally different thing for us!

If up until today we used to frown, sour-face and give the silent treatment, thinking outside the box would most probably means doing something that is not as comfortable for us. After all we are not used to it.

It’ll probably mean to be soft, smile and talk: let him know you would like to get flowers for Shabbat, and even do “the unthinkable” and text to remind him.

You will get so much more:

1.   You’ll have flowers for Shabbat.

2.   You won’t be angry anymore.

3.   You’ll have a good mood.

4.   Your spouse won’t be upset anymore.

5.   Your spouse will have a good mood.

6.   Your relationship would improve tremendously.

7.   You learned a new skill (that works much better).

Can you think of more?

Now that we understand a little better the concept of thinking outside the box, here’s a challenge: Connect all of the 9 dots in one continuance line without lifting your pencil off the paper.

Send me your answer via email to smadarprager@gmail.com, and I’ll send you the solution in return.

p.s. since we are dealing with thinking outside the box, know there is more than one answer ☺

[© Smadar Prager, CGP]

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www.smadarprager.com

Smadar Prager, CGP is an Israeli Certified Group Psychotherapist since 1998 with a home based private practice located in South Valley Stream (Five Towns area, Long Island). She focuses on relationships in the Family, Parenthood, Couplehood, and with self.
To schedule an appointment please contact at smadarprager@gmail.com or 917-513-1490.