Showing posts with label growth. Show all posts

Tuesday, January 28, 2025

Your Questions -- My Answers

Question #13:

How can I get my 23-year-old son to focus on positivity In his life?

Answer:

As much as it is painful to see our children suffer, unhappy or joyless, aching, etc, we cannot prevent it. It is part of being alive. We go through ups and downs and challenges that force us to cope and eventually overcome. This is the only way to discover our strengths and talents and develop confidence and a strong positive sense of self.

A positive outlook is largely the result of such experiences. If, throughout their lives, children do not experience going through a challenge successfully by themselves, they will not develop the emotional and mental ‘muscle’ (i.e. resilience), that is also responsible for their inner positive sense of capability. When these children are eventually expected to take on life by themselves, they lack this ‘muscle’. No wonder there’s no desire to tackle life head-on. No wonder the focus is on the negative if negative experiences are the sum of their experiences. It is discouraging to not be able to do what seems to be so easy for others.

A negative outlook is in part a defense mechanism to protect one from disappointment; When it’s all negative why bother? And if one does not bother, there’s no failure. Hence, no disappointment.

Unconditional love is a crucial building block in children’s self-worth and positive outlook. It is a shame that our generation as parents misunderstood the concept of unconditional love as a license to spoil our children rotten: give them everything, do everything for them, and overprotect them from life’s difficulties; Not to mention live vicariously through them.

My advice for you is to love him unconditionally. This means that no matter what he does, your love is guaranteed. You love who he is, not what he does. Our approval is love for our children, no matter how old they are. I hope that armed with your love of approval and acceptance your son will find the courage within to slowly change his outlook.

* Please know that you are unique, your family is unique, and the relationships in your life are unique. The answer above is general and does not pertain to any specific family. Please take from it only what speaks and feels right to you.

Feel free to continue the discussion with other questions or a response.

All the best, always,

Smadar Prager, CGP © 27January2025

You are welcome to ask me questions, it’s completely anonymous:

https://tinyurl.com/33hz93ab

Answers will be posted in the quite groups - JOIN HERE:

WOMEN: http://tiny.cc/ve5avz

MEN: http://tiny.cc/te5avz

This post of Q&A can be shared without any changes.

Friday, July 15, 2016

What I learned in 30 years of marriage

Last week, 7.7, we recelebrated 30 years of marriage.

This is some of the things I learned over the years:

That HaShem loves me very much – He sent him to me.
That being stubborn is an advantage – holding and not letting go, insisting on the togetherness even when is though.
That to be lenient is required – it’s just not worth it to spoil the ‘us’ on account the personal.
That there is no point in trying to change the other – hardly ourselves is difficult.
That children are the bridge to ourselves – together and separately.
That it’s not just more important to give then to receive, it’s preferable.
That at the end of every giving there’s receiving.
That inner bliss does not depend on an outside approval.
That happiness is contagions.
That the house needs to be taken care of just like we take care of us and the kids.
That accepting the other as is – begins with accepting ourselves as is.
That there is nothing like waking up the house with the smell of frying egg and fresh salad.
That only when it’s good in the company of myself – it’s good in the company of others.
That your spouse cannot replace a best friend – but he is the best friend in the whole wide world.
That devotion is very moving.
That doing something only because the other wants to – is love.
That good couplehood is not how he fulfills my needs 0 but how can I fulfill his needs.
That loving him is a privilege.
That we are not identical – but we are so much alike.
That we are not the same – but this is what makes it all so worth it.
That I love him more every day.
That I still envy him – even though it happened over 31 years ago.
That when it’s hard on the outside – getting closer makes it all much more easy.
That what we have now – it the best thing to have.
That it’s better not to take it personally – even though it’s impossible to tale it publicly.
That it’s possible to say whatever you want to – but it’s really the tone that makes the music.
That there is no one that knows me so well – truly.
That it is a miracle every day.
That there is nothing like the moment he enters home at the end of every day.
And that being wrapped up in his hug – is the most at home that there is.

Love. Always. Forever.

www.smadarprager.com

Smadar Prager, CGP is an Israeli Certified Group Psychotherapist since 1998 with a home based private practice located in South Valley Stream (Five Towns area, Long Island). She focuses on relationships in the Family, Parenthood, Couplehood, and with self.
To schedule an appointment please contact at smadarprager@gmail.com or 917-513-1490.

Friday, February 5, 2016

Three ways

There are three ways to respond when another lashes out at you, yelling and complaining.

The first one is to stay quit and indifferent, and allow the other to explode with anger.

The second one is to lash out right back at him/her.

The third one is to calmly and pleasantly respond to the ‘what’ and not to the ‘how’. Meaning to the issue and not the way the issue is being presented (with yelling etc,).

The first way makes the other person really miserable.

The second way discourages the other person.

And the third way is the middle way, the golden way: it allows the other person to repair, and it brings peace and love to the both of you.

[© Smadar Prager, CGP]

Friday, May 8, 2015

The sun and the wind

I love stories that help us understand ourselves better, and create a different way of thinking to initiate change within ourselves or with others.

Here’s another lovely one:

A man is walking down the street wearing a hat and a jacket.

The sun and the wind got into an argument: which one of them would be able to take his hat and jacket off of him? The wind thought that she would be able to do that without a shadow of a doubt, whilst the sun were sure she will be the one to succeed.

After debating back and forth they decided that the wind will be the first to try.

So the wind started to whistle loudly and to blow fiercely but the man held tight to his hat and jacket. The wind continued to storm and the man just help even more tightly to his hat in one hand and to his jacket with the other.

After a few unsuccessful trials by the wind, it’s the sun’s turn.

She gently and softly sent her warm rays toward the man. Slowly but surely, the man started to feel warmer, than hotter, and then he started to sweat. He took his hat off, and after a while his jacket as well.

There’s a lot to be said about the power of thinking outside the box when it comes to creating a change.

When we want to achieve something we all have a tendency to do more of the same thing. There’s no wonder about why we do that, it’s very clear. After all we have been practicing exactly that since we were born, and it worked wonderfully until now. When we learned to walk, we stood and fell many times, but we always got up and tried again and again until we managed to step. And after we managed to step a few steps we fell down. But that did not discourage us. No no. We got up and tried again until we could not only walk but run freely.

This process repeated itself in each and every area of our life: learning to ride a bike, learning to talk, read, write, mastering math etc. Each time we wanted to improve on any skill, we stuck to it, and did more of the same thing until we mastered it (or at least could do it well enough…).

So when the time comes for trying to change our situation, or trying to defuse a conflict with another, we act in same manner.

And the same manner usually means to push even harder, blow even stronger -- act like the wind.

If for instance we are upset with our spouse for not bring us flowers for Shabbat, we most probably continue to sour-face him in hopes of him coming to the realization that he did something wrong and work hard and diligently to fix it. Something he most probably used to do in the first years of the relationship... Well, it worked then, there’s no reason why it won’t work now as well, right?

Wrong!

But like the wind we will try even harder more of the same thing.

We’ll frown more, we’ll be less nice, we’ll get very upset with him.

And like the man in the story, so will our spouse, only tighten his position. He won’t understand what’s going on, but he won’t make any effort to change it, because he is also upset and is waiting for you to do the same you are expecting him to do.

We have to act like the sun. Try with love, not with harshness.

We have to think outside the box.

We have to do something totally different from what we are used to do.

Not more of the same thing, but a different thing.

Totally different thing for us!

If up until today we used to frown, sour-face and give the silent treatment, thinking outside the box would most probably means doing something that is not as comfortable for us. After all we are not used to it.

It’ll probably mean to be soft, smile and talk: let him know you would like to get flowers for Shabbat, and even do “the unthinkable” and text to remind him.

You will get so much more:

1. You’ll have flowers for Shabbat.

2. You won’t be angry anymore.

3. You’ll have a good mood.

4. Your spouse won’t be upset anymore.

5. Your spouse will have a good mood.

6. Your relationship would improve tremendously.

7. You learned a new skill (that works much better).

Can you think of more?

Now that we understand a little better the concept of thinking outside the box, here’s a challenge: Connect all of the 9 dots in one continuance line without lifting your pencil off the paper.

Send me your answer via email to smadarprager@gmail.com, and I’ll send you the solution in return.

p.s. since we are dealing with thinking outside the box, know there is more than one answer ☺