*Your Questions -- My Answers*
Question #13:
How can I get my 23-year-old son to focus on positivity In his life?
Answer:
As much as it is painful to see our children suffer, unhappy or joyless, aching, etc, we cannot prevent it. It is part of being alive. We go through ups and downs and challenges that force us to cope and eventually overcome. This is the only way to discover our strengths and talents and develop confidence and a strong positive sense of self.
A positive outlook is largely the result of such experiences. If, throughout their lives, children do not experience going through a challenge successfully by themselves, they will not develop the emotional and mental ‘muscle’ (i.e. resilience), that is also responsible for their inner positive sense of capability. When these children are eventually expected to take on life by themselves, they lack this ‘muscle’. No wonder there’s no desire to tackle life head-on. No wonder the focus is on the negative if negative experiences are the sum of their experiences. It is discouraging to not be able to do what seems to be so easy for others.
A negative outlook is in part a defense mechanism to protect one from disappointment; When it’s all negative why bother? And if one does not bother, there’s no failure. Hence, no disappointment.
Unconditional love is a crucial building block in children’s self-worth and positive outlook. It is a shame that our generation as parents misunderstood the concept of unconditional love as a license to spoil our children rotten: give them everything, do everything for them, and overprotect them from life’s difficulties; Not to mention live vicariously through them.
My advice for you is to love him unconditionally. This means that no matter what he does, your love is guaranteed. You love who he is, not what he does. Our approval is love for our children, no matter how old they are. I hope that armed with your love of approval and acceptance your son will find the courage within to slowly change his outlook.
* Please know that you are unique, your family is unique, and the relationships in your life are unique. The answer above is general and does not pertain to any specific family. Please take from it only what speaks and feels right to you.
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