When Expectations Differ

Mr. and Mrs. H. have an endearing habit. Every morning, they sip tea together and chat a bit before each turns to his/her daily routine. Their favorite location is their small kitchen table located next to the big window which overlooks the greenery outside and the neighbors’ houses. For the past few weeks, every time their neighbor comes out to hang her laundry, Mrs. H. gets this look in her eyes. She clicks her tongue and says in disapprovement, “Can you believe her? Can’t she see that her laundry is dirty? I do not understand why it is so hard to wash your laundry properly! Maybe she needs a few lessons from me.”

One morning, as they drank their tea and gazed outside, Mrs. H. sharply straightened in her chair and opened her mouth in surprise. “Look, look!” she said. “Finally! Her laundry is clean!”

Mr. H. very calmly replied, “Oh no dear. I just cleaned our window.”

It is always the same story. Sure, there are different players and other scenarios, but it’s always the same. We see faults in the other person, and never in ourselves. She fell in love with him because he was so caring and loving, and only wanted to make her happy and feel good, and now she can’t stand him because he leaves her no room to breathe; he is always there, suffocating her.

He fell in love with her because she was so lively and energetic and risk-taking, and so different from all the others, and now he can’t stand it; she is never home, she is always out doing something, and she doesn’t take care of him or the children the way he thinks that she should.

She fell in love with his calmness and now she can’t stand his indifference. Or he fell in love with her quietness and now he can’t believe how quiet the house is. It’s like living all alone.

What is happening here? How come the same person they fell in love with is the one that now drives them crazy, or leaves them feeling hurt or alone or neglected?

Well, it’s all the expectations’ fault. Like everything else in life, expectations, too, surely have their advantages, but they also have a problematic side. This side usually comes into play when our expectations do not match the other person’s realistic capabilities or nature, or if our expectations do not line up with someone else’s expectations, someone with whom we are required to collaborate or spend our lives with. Another possible way for the problematic side of expectations to raise its head is if we think that everyone should uphold, or actually is upholding, the same moral values as we do. Or if one only sees the other’s deficits or limitations, while thinking that they themselves are perfectly okay (or even perfect) in comparison.

Each time we cross paths and interact with another human being, we are in a relationship. And every time a relationship is formed, a clash of expectations occurs as well. It’s like two currents in the sea that meet up from different directions; a splash or a whirlpool is bound to happen.

When we fall in love, and when we fall in love with a certain quality in the other person, we do not expect that one day this exact quality will be the source of our pain.

We need to understand that each quality exists on a continuum. It is neither good nor bad. It just is. It’s the interpretation that we give to the meeting point of that specific quality with ourselves that determines whether it will feel good or bad.

A piece of chocolate cake, for example, can be so delightful, but guess how you would feel after the fifth or the seventh piece?

Nothing had changed with the chocolate cake. It’s only your perspective that’s changed.

When you found your spouse, it felt like connecting two pieces of a puzzle. Finally, the one you were waiting for. At last the one that completes you. He finally found someone that yearns to receive all that he has to give, and she finally found that giving one. She finally found a strong man, and he found his delicate flower at last. We are so amazed by the fact that the other fits us so well, complements the absence, and perfectly fills our gaps, that we think that the other simply knows us so well, can read us even without words, and supplies us with our deepest desires almost telepathically. At the same time, we are on cloud nine because this perfect person also finds us flawless.

The problem is that we expect this to continue forever and ever. But once what was lacking is no longer in such dire need of being filled, we do not need the other as much as we once did, or with the same amount of intensity. But that doesn’t mean that the other person is also at the same stage of his or her personal development; he or she might not want to end the original perfectly synced exchange. We expect our spouse not only to telepathically know that, but to also know the exact dosage that we need, the same way it used to be in the beginning, and back when we were babies when our mother knew when to change our diaper, or carry us, or give us food whenever we needed, without us even saying anything. We expect that this telepathic understanding will continue even if we changed and are now wishing and desiring other things for ourselves.

Instead of looking within and working on ourselves, we turn outward and expect the other person to change. Instead of talking to our spouse, we start sending all kinds of hints that he or she doesn’t really understand. The more hints we send out, and the more he or she doesn’t respond the way we expect them to respond, the more hurt we become, and angry and frustrated. And to stop the pain, we lash out and hurt back, thinking that if the other person would be hurt enough, they’ll understand just how it feels and stop hurting us. And a horrible cycle begins. (This process is mostly done on an unconscious level when we aren’t really aware of why exactly we are doing what we’re doing. At this stage, a couple would greatly benefit from some professional help.)

A couple might realize they are in a vicious cycle, but they have no idea how they got here and how to get out. Each points a finger at the other, each blaming the other. But recognizing the existence of the cycle is actually the key to break out of it, because you can only fix what you see. All that is really needed now is to understand that you got caught up in the expectations cycle, and once you do – find the courage and talk about it. Be brave enough to take 100% responsibility of your 50% share in this relationship, and stop expecting the other person to change for you. Do it yourself.

Trust each other and reveal each other’s deepest needs. Let the other person know what you expect them to be for you. Hear if it is at all realistic and or possible, and be there for each other in the same way you have been in the beginning. Only now, it will be in a much more mature way, a way in which you communicate with each other and do not expect the other to telepathically know what you need and then magically supply it.

Start here. Understand that no one is really perfect; we are all full of flaws. And then simply start doing for the other what you wish the other would do for you: stop hurting the other person. And the rest would follow.

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Originally published in the Jewish Press Mind Body & Soul insert on May 27, 2016

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[© Smadar Prager, CGP]

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www.smadarprager.com

Smadar Prager, CGP is an Israeli Certified Group Psychotherapist since 1998 with a home based private practice located in South Valley Stream (Five Towns area, Long Island). She focuses on relationships in the Family, Parenthood, Couplehood, and with self.
To schedule an appointment please contact at smadarprager@gmail.com or 917-513-1490.

Build yourself into it!

While watching ‘Rehab Addict’ on HGTV, Mr. Chester Bushman, Nicole Curtis’s 90 year old grandfather, said this heartfelt sentence, "When you are building a home, you are building yourself into it, just like marriage!"

I watched and thought to myself that there is no substitute to old age wisdom; that we have so much to learn from our elders and that there's so much unparalleled value of strength and support in keeping, maintaining, and investing in our family ties.

A client of mine told me yesterday that she is exhausted from the holiday. It was the first time they celebrated at their own home, and she said she doesn't understand to what end is all of this hard work that left her wiped and empty and in desperate need of a vacation.

I sympathize with her; After all, preparing Pesach (Passover) is quite a project and an enormous undertaking if you are also hosting at your house.

She was my first client after a two weeks Pesach vacation. While I was still wearing my housewife hat, it took me a split second while I was puzzled to understand how come it is not obvious to her, as it is to me, that the reward is as huge as the exhaustion.

Meaning, you cannot create meaningful, unforgettable bonding experiences and memories with your family and friends, without investing in creating the set for it.

Whether it's by planning an eventful vacation, or by paying a small fortune for an all included eventful vacation in a resort, some kind of an investment is definitely required and the more you invest the greater the return.

The split second dissipated in the blink of an eye. I was back with my therapist's hat on, and with the understanding that this is a case of distorted subjective interpretation of reality.

Meaning, it's a choice to feel that way. You can choose to feel differently. 

How? 

This is the million dollar question and the answer is?  [drum roll please] 

By changing the way you think.

Our thought creates our feelings, and our feelings create our actions. 

It's usually an automatic unconscious or unaware process which I fondly call RIFA:
Reality --> Interpretation --> Feeling --> Action.

If my client interprets her reality of preparing the holiday as slaving in the kitchen to no avail, there’s no wonder she is feeling used, abused, drained and very bitter. It also means that in an even deeper level she separated herself from the activity. As if it's a repulsive chore some outside force is compelling her to do for lack of any other option. 

As if she did not choose this. As if she was coerced. 

We talked a bit about these ideas and insights. We tried to understand together what was the ground on which the seeds of "Hi, I am all alone here in this business" came from, and what sprouted them and/or fertilized them. And then, we tried to think together about a different way of looking at all of this. 

The reality may have not changed at all. Same incidents, same conflicts, same work load, the same self centered teenagers, etc. . ., but the new angle in which she chose to look at it changed, and as a result, so did her feelings. 

The new angle she chose was, “It's not against me, nobody is doing anything just to spite me, and I am choosing to do this because I want to invest in my family; because I love them, because I want to give from myself so we can bond together. 

And then I told her about Mr. Bushman.

And then we wrote this down:

When you build something, you HAVE to build yourself into it!

This is the only way you'll enjoy it, benefit from it and grow from it.

This is probably the only way to really live life to its fullest. . . and smile about it.

[© Smadar Prager, CGP]

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www.smadarprager.com

Smadar Prager, CGP is an Israeli Certified Group Psychotherapist since 1998 with a home based private practice located in South Valley Stream (Five Towns area, Long Island). She focuses on relationships in the Family, Parenthood, Couplehood, and with self.
To schedule an appointment please contact at smadarprager@gmail.com or 917-513-1490.

Three ways

There are three ways to respond when another lashes out at you, yelling and complaining.

The first one is to stay quit and indifferent, and allow the other to explode with anger.

The second one is to lash out right back at him/her.

The third one is to calmly and pleasantly respond to the ‘what’ and not to the ‘how’. Meaning to the issue and not the way the issue is being presented (with yelling etc,).

The first way makes the other person really miserable.

The second way discourages the other person.


And the third way is the middle way, the golden way: it allows the other person to repair, and it brings peace and love to the both of you.  


[© Smadar Prager, CGP]

Don't go to slepp angry!

In the house where I grow up, I didn’t get the chance to learn couplehood[1] first hand.

Being in awe from the fact that there are couples that not only live together after the age of 50, but actually really like each other, I asked my future mother in law an advice before our wedding, “How do you do that? How do you get to this fantastic achievement?”

Her answer was short and decisive, “Never go to sleep if you are angry at each other.”

I embraced her advice and placed it very near to my heart, and I never forgot, and I never let it go.

As the years went by I learned both in my private and professional life, that there is no such thing as quarrel-free, angerless couplehood.

I learned that good couplehood doesn’t become good (just like that) and fall from the sky (even thought HE definitely has a part in it).

I learned that good couplehood is a result of real persistence to find a way,

in spite of, and regardless of it all.

Of daily hard work,

sometimes tough, sometimes frustrating, sometimes painful, sometimes sad, sometimes lonely,

but it is always a result of work.

Work is not only about things that you do, it is also about things that you do NOT do.

So today we are learning what not to do: Do not go to sleep angry at each other!

Stay up until you resolve whatever needs to be resolved,

even if it means to stay up all night and not going to sleep at all.

Cry together, laugh together, talk, listen, and compromise, let go, stand your ground,

but mainly remember, that at the basis of it all, there is a big enormous and impossible love that brought you together to begin with, and to this place where you are now,

and with this love help, you can move mountains --

even yourself.

[© Smadar Prager, CGP]

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[1]  Couplehood (n) - The state of being a romantic couple. (yourdictionary.com)

10 Back to School essentials:

1. Always prepare cloths and backpacks with the child the night before.

2. Make sure going to bed is a pleasant experience (and on time!).

3. Wake up the kids relaxed & with a smile (music is always a plus).

4. Allow enough time to calmly organize (you too).

5. Don't skip a nutritious breakfast (not milk & cereal).

6. Send a nutritious snack with a loving smiling encouraging note inside.

7. Make sure the child knows who picked them up.

8. Don't forget to send them with a big hug and a kiss, a loving blessing and lots of reassuring.

9. Remember: homework are for your child, not for you.

& 10. Always always, always... love them and remember how precious they are (at any age / grade).

* Have a wonderful blessed & successful school year * 

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Shana Tova from Smadar

[© Smadar Prager, CGP]

The sun and the wind

I love stories that help us understand ourselves better, and create a different way of thinking to initiate change within ourselves or with others.

Here’s another lovely one:

A man is walking down the street wearing a hat and a jacket.

The sun and the wind got into an argument: which one of them would be able to take his hat and jacket off of him? The wind thought that she would be able to do that without a shadow of a doubt, whilst the sun were sure she will be the one to succeed.

After debating back and forth they decided that the wind will be the first to try.

So the wind started to whistle loudly and to blow fiercely but the man held tight to his hat and jacket. The wind continued to storm and the man just help even more tightly to his hat in one hand and to his jacket with the other.

After a few unsuccessful trials by the wind, it’s the sun’s turn.

She gently and softly sent her warm rays toward the man. Slowly but surely, the man started to feel warmer, than hotter, and then he started to sweat. He took his hat off, and after a while his jacket as well.

There’s a lot to be said about the power of thinking outside the box when it comes to creating a change.

When we want to achieve something we all have a tendency to do more of the same thing. There’s no wonder about why we do that, it’s very clear. After all we have been practicing exactly that since we were born, and it worked wonderfully until now. When we learned to walk, we stood and fell many times, but we always got up and tried again and again until we managed to step. And after we managed to step a few steps we fell down. But that did not discourage us. No no. We got up and tried again until we could not only walk but run freely.

This process repeated itself in each and every area of our life: learning to ride a bike, learning to talk, read, write, mastering math etc. Each time we wanted to improve on any skill, we stuck to it, and did more of the same thing until we mastered it (or at least could do it well enough…).

So when the time comes for trying to change our situation, or trying to defuse a conflict with another, we act in same manner.

And the same manner usually means to push even harder, blow even stronger -- act like the wind.

If for instance we are upset with our spouse for not bring us flowers for Shabbat, we most probably continue to sour-face him in hopes of him coming to the realization that he did something wrong and work hard and diligently to fix it. Something he most probably used to do in the first years of the relationship... Well, it worked then, there’s no reason why it won’t work now as well, right?

Wrong!

But like the wind we will try even harder more of the same thing.  

We’ll frown more, we’ll be less nice, we’ll get very upset with him.

And like the man in the story, so will our spouse, only tighten his position. He won’t understand what’s going on, but he won’t make any effort to change it, because he is also upset and is waiting for you to do the same you are expecting him to do.

We have to act like the sun. Try with love, not with harshness.

We have to think outside the box.

We have to do something totally different from what we are used to do.

Not more of the same thing, but a different thing.

Totally different thing for us!

If up until today we used to frown, sour-face and give the silent treatment, thinking outside the box would most probably means doing something that is not as comfortable for us. After all we are not used to it.

It’ll probably mean to be soft, smile and talk: let him know you would like to get flowers for Shabbat, and even do “the unthinkable” and text to remind him.

You will get so much more:

1.   You’ll have flowers for Shabbat.

2.   You won’t be angry anymore.

3.   You’ll have a good mood.

4.   Your spouse won’t be upset anymore.

5.   Your spouse will have a good mood.

6.   Your relationship would improve tremendously.

7.   You learned a new skill (that works much better).

Can you think of more?

Now that we understand a little better the concept of thinking outside the box, here’s a challenge: Connect all of the 9 dots in one continuance line without lifting your pencil off the paper.

Send me your answer via email to smadarprager@gmail.com, and I’ll send you the solution in return.

p.s. since we are dealing with thinking outside the box, know there is more than one answer ☺

[© Smadar Prager, CGP]

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www.smadarprager.com

Smadar Prager, CGP is an Israeli Certified Group Psychotherapist since 1998 with a home based private practice located in South Valley Stream (Five Towns area, Long Island). She focuses on relationships in the Family, Parenthood, Couplehood, and with self.
To schedule an appointment please contact at smadarprager@gmail.com or 917-513-1490.

About Demons and Caves

Once upon a time there was a very enlightened and holy Buddhist monk.

He lived in an isolated cave, on a mountain side, and occupied his time only in prayers and reflections all day and all night.

And one day he returned to his cave only to find that it is full of sassy and ugly demons.

They completely took over his cave,

cooked and ate his food,

slept in his bed,

ripped apart his holy books,

dirtied everything,

and screamed and irritated him in every possible way.

The monk tried is hardest to get read of them: fasting, praying, meditating, convincing, bargaining, arguing, even just grab them in the tail and through them out...

And little by little he succeeded.

All the demons left, except one. The most annoying and disgusting one.

Against him -- nothing helped.

The more the monk was more spiritual, more rational, more firm, more assertive -- the more bothersome and sassy was the demon.

Finally the monk realized that nothing worked. 

He turned to the demon and told him:

"OK. I guess there's no other choice. We're gonna just have to learn to live together, you and me."

And the demon left....

It's the nature of all the part that we don't like about us, to stick to us more and more.

It's the nature of all the traits that we don’t like about us, to persist, and raise their head especially where we list want. 

It's the nature of all the thoughts that bother us, to glue themselves to you like an old gum to a shoe; they lose their taste nut not their stickiness ability. 

Until...

Until the time...

Until the time you make peace with them.

Until the time you accept them: the parts, the traits, the thoughts.

Not mentally.

Emotionally. 

You have to truly accept them, from your guts. 

To contain. 

to make yourself a container, to make room within yourself. 

But there are no miracles here, no Mac-Fast.

To make peace takes time, it's a process. 

And processes you cannot speed up, you cannot hurry. 

They have their own pace. They march to their own beat;

The beat that makes the most beautiful music in the world;

Your song. 

[© Smadar Prager, CGP]

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www.smadarprager.com

Smadar Prager, CGP is an Israeli Certified Group Psychotherapist since 1998 with a home based private practice located in South Valley Stream (Five Towns area, Long Island). She focuses on relationships in the Family, Parenthood, Couplehood, and with self.
To schedule an appointment please contact at smadarprager@gmail.com or 917-513-1490.